Wish I weren't selfish, but I am, so here's another heedless ramble

I don't believe people can change.

I believe God can change people, but only if we allow Him to. He can't change us until we've given up that which needs changing. And that's a very hard thing to do... I think most of us don't even know how.

Changing is something most of us don't think we need to do, so we never do. Even when we see it needs to happen, we just hope that someone else will change so we don't need to.

I don't believe people can keep promises. Not your typical promises, anyhow. If I were to promise you I'll hurt you, or that I would break a promise... those promises would be kept, even if they're not the promises you want to hear.

I'm so tired of people telling me what they think I want to hear. I'm weary from all the years of promises of change, promises you'll try, promises I won't have to go through this anymore... I try to be optimistic. I convince myself to believe in every lie just so that I won't be held accountable when things stay the same. I force myself to hope for the best, because I don't want to be the pessimistic problem child.

I'm tired of pretending. Pretending you're who everyone thinks you are, pretending that we're okay, that I'm okay...

I'm not okay. Not in the slightest... I don't know that I ever will be.

I have days where I'm strong. I'm good at finding the little things in life to keep me going.

But at night I always cry myself to sleep because I feel so ashamed that I can't be grateful for the life God gave me... It eats me up inside that I'm so blessed with everything God has done for me, and I am truly grateful for those things, but I feel utterly selfish because I want more. Who am I that I should look at my life and not be happy? God didn't have to create me, but He did... That alone should be a cause of rejoicing. So why aren't I joyful... Why am I so ungrateful?

I'm getting so close to a crossroads, I can feel it. I already see it. I know what the choices are, and I can take either path any time I want, but I'm not ready. I'm waiting until the last minute, when I'll have to choose. I'm terrified, because I don't know what I'm going to choose. There's something between here and there that's going to be the final factor in deciding what to choose, and I have no idea what it is.

As scared as I am about it, I hope it happens soon... Regardless of what I choose, at least I won't have to keep doing this...

I never talk about this. Not because I don't trust anyone. There are people I would trust with  my life, and I hope that they don't read this and doubt themselves, because it isn't an issue with any of them. The issue is honor. I'm not going to be the cause of dishonor. And at the very least, it's easy enough to forget about the problem when I can pretend it's all in my head. So yeah. If you're reading this and wondering why this cryptic version is all you're getting to see, or something like that, it's not because I don't trust you... I'm just trying to do what's right.

Except this post probably isn't even right... I'm probably being a little selfish by even writing this, but part of me hopes that it will help in some way... If for nothing other than to get stuff off my chest for a few minutes.

I Gave Up

Surrender... Often during worship we'll say that we surrender to God's will or whatever, but what does that actually look like? Are we saying empty words we don't intend to carry out?
Surrender isn't something to say we're doing just so that we can have a good, fluttery feeling in our stomachs while we sing to God. It isn't lifting your hands, getting on your knees, singing as loud as you can. It isn't tears streaming down your cheeks.

Main Entry: sur·ren·der
Pronunciation: \sə-ˈren-dər\
Function: verb
Inflected Form(s): sur·ren·dered; sur·ren·der·ing \-d(ə-)riŋ\
Etymology: Middle English surrendren, from surrendre, noun
Date: 15th century
transitive verb 1 a : to yield to the power, control, or possession of another upon compulsion or demand b : to give up completely or agree to forgo especially in favor of another
2 a : to give (oneself) up into the power of another especially as a prisoner b : to give (oneself) over to something (as an influence)intransitive verb : to give oneself up into the power of another : yield
synonyms see relinquish

Main Entry: re·lin·quish
Pronunciation: \ri-ˈliŋ-kwish, -ˈlin-\
Function: transitive verb
Etymology: Middle English relinquisshen, from Anglo-French relinquiss-, stem of relinquir, from Latin relinquere to leave behind, from re- + linquere to leave — more at loan
Date: 15th century
1 : to withdraw or retreat from : leave behind
2 : give up
3 a : to stop holding physically : release b : to give over possession or control of : yield

You can't surrender to God without giving yourself entirely up. This means every pleasure, every craving, every thought, every action, etc. needs to be God's, completely.

I am so guilty of lifting my hands in surrender, and then turning my back as soon as the music stops.

God got on my case about this a little while back. Of course, as gracious and merciful as He is, he actually went as far as to make it easy for me to surrender myself to Him.

(Just as a side note, I'm trying hard not to care about man's opinion of me, but I would really appreciate it if you could please try hard not to judge...
I don't want your reassurances that you love me and care about me, etc. Most people in my life I've known long enough that it's pretty clear who honestly cares about me and who doesn't. I mean, I love being reassured that I'm cared about, but don't reassure me simply because you think it looks like I need it.
Judging includes jumping to conclusions, so don't do that either. Especially if you think you're mentioned. If you are, I've most likely talked to you about it before.)

Without the Lord, my life kinda sucks. I'm not saying that to be negative or anything, it's just the truth. I rarely sleep. Whether it's because of the neighbor's dog that barks into all hours of the night/early morning, my cat, other things going on, or my own mind- there's always something that keeps me awake. I don't really have "friends". I'm burnt out from being the only one who actually cares and constantly being taken advantage of by people who claim to be my better friends and love me. I'm not going to go into more details because I don't believe in slander or gossip, especially when those in question haven't an opportunity to defend themselves, and there's some stuff that I simply don't want to share... But yeah, basically, outside of my Mishpacha in my congregation, my life fell apart.

About a week or so ago, I was pondering all this, and just started sobbing (tearless sobs... I'll explain that later. Or maybe not.). I just gave up. I told God He could take me any time, because life is meaningless now.

I don't even remember what happened the rest of that week.

And then this past Shabbat, everything changed. I really did give up my life.

This week, I'm not reading any books except for my school books and the Bible. I'm spending a lot of time in the Word and in prayer. Not only am I not listening to any secular music, I'm only listening to worship music.

God told me Saturday to go a week like this. I'm starting to want it to last longer.

Anything secular seems meaningless to me right now. While I'll always be an avid lover of anything classic, intricate, complicated- I probably will never throw out my Metallica, Wuthering Heights, or Tomb Raider- it's all pointless and it needs to not be what defines me. If I get through this week and find that I need to listen to that Five Finger Death Punch song or I'll go nuts, I'll go another week without it. I'll go without secular music and books until I don't need it to get through my day, then I'll move onto the next thing. I'll take this week by week until I have no idols.

I've given up on life. And that's what made it so easy to surrender myself completely. You can't surrender without giving up. To surrender is to give up.

And no I'm not becoming a nun or taking an oath of silence or anything like that. I'm just simply making God the main focus of my life rather than myself. (:

The past couple of days have been pretty easy, but I'm not expecting it to be all smooth sailing. I know my flesh will kick in one of these days and demand Tool. That's what happens during a detox. It's easy, then you go virtually insane with cravings, but once you get past that, you're free. And I'm not going to attempt to run on empty. Everything that goes out is replaced with something much, much better- God. Meaning.

I'm relinquishing my life, surrendering to God.

My Mind... Part 2

I have a great dislike for society.

For one, all your life, you're taught that there are two types of people- right-brained and left-brained. Creative types and mathematical types. People always always have one preference for the way they think... If you're left-brained, you have a more logical, sequential, rational, analytical, objective way of thinking. You like to examine each individual part of something rather than just accepting it as a whole. If you're right-brained, your way of thinking is more random, intuitive, holistic, synthesizing, subjective. Right away you look at the whole picture rather than each individual piece of the picture. Society pushes this idea into us. It caters to each side of the brain as per the individual. If you're right-brained, you have this set of careers from which to choose. If you're left-, you get to choose from this set.

Mostly why I hate this "ideal"? I don't fit in.

I always struggled with this. Most of my life I just went along with the idea that I was right-brained. I planned on Graphic Design for my career, I played up the role of a shy, creative type. I was supposed to be one or the other, and since I loved to draw, write, sing, dream; music keeps me going and The Lord of the Rings are the best books ever written, I must be right-brained.

So someone tell me, why did I take apart all my pens as a kid so I could figure out how pushing a button at the top made the point come out and then retract? Why do I weigh the pros and cons before stepping into any situation? Why are mysteries like the ones Agatha Christie writes my absolute favorite books to read? (Why is my math homework to my right and my sketch pad to my left? o.O)

My favorite subjects in school are and always have been Science and English. I can't choose whether I want to go to college for English or Counseling. I love to poor my soul out by singing but I'd have just as much fun being the band's manager. Etcetera.

Basically, I'm somewhat of an oxymoron with flesh.

A freak of nature.

An outcast.

But recently, like within the past 4-6 months, I've actually come to terms with it. I've accepted the way my brain operates. While it's frustrating as all heck to have emotions of rejection simply for my parents pointing how my schedule for getting the laundry done in one day is flawed (because that schedule is a thing that I created), it's how God created my mind and I'll learn to utilize it somehow.

After all, why did the "ideal Renaissance man", the same man whose designs involved primitive prototypes for things like the machine gun and armored tanks, paint the Mona Lisa? Why did many of his artistic works include very scientific sketches of human anatomy? DaVinci was definitely a walking oxymoron to the most extreme.

Society doesn't get me. But I'm perfectly okay with that, because I don't get Society.

I read the dicitonary when I'm bored. I stare at the ceiling fan working out in my mind why it turns the way it does. I sketch my cat completely aware that her ear is a 60 degree angle. I can get lost in math problems just as easily as I can get lost in a J.R.R. Tolkien novel. When involved in a conversation I am aware of my mind putting together equations of what words to say to merit which series of responses.

Oh, and did you know that, contrary to common belief, the sky isn't blue because of the ocean? The earth is mostly water, and we're taught, therefore, that the sky reflects the blue of the ocean. However, in order for this theory to work, the ocean has to have its own source of... blueness. So why is the ocean blue? The preferential absorption of long-wavelength (red) light gives rise to the blue. Basically, the ocean can't possibly be the cause of the sky being blue because the ocean isn't technically blue itself. It's only blue because of the way the light reflects off of it...

Micheal Kruger says, "The sky is blue not because the atmosphere absorbs the other colors, but because the atmosphere tends to scatter shorter wavelength (blue) light to a greater extent than longer wavelength (red) light. Blue light from the sun is scattered every which way, much more so than the other colors, so when you look up at the daytime sky you see blue no matter where you look. This scattering is called 'Rayleigh scattering'; the amount of scattering goes as the frequency of the light to the 4th power."

So really, the sky isn't blue because of the water, and the water isn't even blue itself. They both appear blue because of the way the atmosphere distributes light.

By the way, please ask me about one of the novels I'm writing... I'd love to share one with you. One's about a girl and her unicorn. (;

Oh fun, I'm going to talk about: Dating.

Most people describe the teenage years as the years you're supposed to figure out who you are, what you want in life. Probably most importantly to teenage girls, your 'type' in men.

Dating is supposed to be a really big part of being a teenager, especially in high school. It's shocking to find out someone who is 16 hasn't had their first kiss yet. When you're 14 a boyfriend seems like a really important thing to have. While abstinence from sex isn't necessarily looked down upon, one constantly has to deal with the pressure from tv, movies, music, and peers to just "live a little".

This coming November, I will have been a teenager for 6 years. I have never had anyone I could call my "boyfriend". I've never been able to change my Facebook relationship status to something other than "single". I've never been on a more-than-friendly date. And of course, my first kiss belongs to someone in the future.

I tell this to people, and they either look at me like I just grew an extra limb or like I'm something to be pitied. You wouldn't believe how much crap I get for it.

Of course there have been times where I let my emotions do the talking. I won't go into all the gory details, but I've tried giving my heart to a few different guys. Never once have they held it long enough for me to get comfortable enough to call them my boyfriend.

I started my teenage years saying this, and I've never said anything contrary. It's only recently that I've actually started to believe it, though. Dating, at my age, at least for me, is a waste of time.

Fun fact to help back up this point:
A Harris Interactive survey conducted in January of 2006 merited the following results- Only 14% of people 18+ in a relationship (not necessarily married) met their counterpart while in school (high school/college). 34% of these were ages 18-27, 14% ages 28-39, while only 10% were 40+.

Why should I bother falling in love with someone who isn't the one God wants me to be with forever? Maybe I know that guy now, as a teenager, but if I have my whole life to spend with that person, why should I rush things?

You could argue my point by saying that, as I stated at the beginning of this post, your teenage years are meant to figure out who you are. Sure, the years of your youth are meant to be a learning period. But don't you think you'd be on the shorter road to finding out who you are if you simply looked to God to tell you who you are? I don't see anywhere in the Bible that says dating is crucial to unlocking the mystery that is ourselves. I don't believe that "falling in love" is the key to who you are. How many people do you know, let's say around 25 years of age, who know exactly who they are? Not very many would be my guess... In fact, I don't think I know anyone who spent their teenage years doing what society tells us to do who knows "who they are" because of it. I think most people, if ever, figure it out in their mid-late 30s, and end up regretting a lot of what they did as a teenager.

Not to mention, how many friendships do you lose by dating guys? Why date someone for a few months only to get too hurt to ever talk to them again, when you could have spent that time building up a solid friendship that may carry into adulthood? Friends are worth so much more than a dating experience. Unfortunately this is one lesson I learned from the past, although it doesn't take a genius to figure out. But hey, if he didn't want to stick around as my friend simply because I "broke up" with him, then how good of a friend was he really? Yet another point as to why dating is a waste of time. If a guy isn't willing to be your friend, he doesn't honestly like you and you shouldn't waste your time dating him.

You could point out that this is really easy for me to say being that there probably isn't a guy in all of Arizona who even has a crush on me. While that's probably true, my whole view point on dating isn't solely based on the fact that I'm perpetually single. (I'd also like to state, perhaps unnecessarily, that I'm not perpetually single because of my view on dating. There really isn't anyone who likes me that way.:)

I'm not totally adverse to dating. I do admit that if a certain boy asked me out, I'd probably say yes in a heartbeat. But my point of this post is simply that my confidence in myself doesn't depend on what some guy thinks of me. It doesn't depend on how many guys I've kissed, how many dates I've been on, etc. The fact that I'm 17 and can count on my fingers on one hand how many guys have told me they liked me hardly affects me. I don't need horrible experiences and a broken heart to tell me what to look for in a guy. I certainly don't need an STD to tell me not to sleep around.

I know that God knows what He's doing, and if He has someone for me, that guy is somethin really special. And if it's what I have to do, I'm perfectly okay with waiting. How cool will it be when I can smile at my husband while telling my kids my first love was their dad?

Love and Mistakes... in the same title.

What is a man if he lacks passion for anything? Yes, passion often leads to a world of hurt, but pain is a part of life and it makes us human. Somewhere along the line you lost the realization that, while things may often hurt like heck, it's a whole lot better than being heartless.

I'm so sorry. Somewhere down the road I was too selfish. I thought I did what was best for the both of us. I never meant for it to turn out like this...

I feel like I betrayed you. I allowed my own sick selfishness to get in the way of a great change that was taking place in you, and somehow undo everything...

My words from the past are hitting me in the face right now. I've always stood so strongly on the belief that Love is not a mere feeling, but an action that can prove its presence over and over and has a solid foundation on the Word. Yet this whole time I've been basing everything on my feelings... I can say with complete honesty that I have never been so sure of anything in my life as I am sure that I love you so, so much... I have always loved you. Maybe it's not the kind of love that leads into a relationship or anything like that, but loving someone doesn't always mean you have to be in love with them. And trust me when I say that I have never loved anyone quite like I love you. I just can't believe it took me until this to realize it.

What I can't believe, even beyond that, is how easy it was for you to let go... Haven't you learned by now that not every word spoken from my mouth is truth?

Was loving me really putting you through so much hell that you couldn't even stand feeling anymore?

I remember I once told you not to ever let me do anything stupid regarding you... And you promised me you wouldn't. That you'd always be there for me, never give up on me. And you understood that my emotions can be, at times, very unstable. That I could say something with meaning and by the end of the day wish I had said something completely different with a completely different meaning. At the time you thought it meant to make sure that I didn't want to be in relationship with you when I said I didn't. But can't you realize that this was the stupidest thing I could have ever done regarding you?

I am so sorry. I've begged on my knees for God to show me a way to fix this... I'm not seeing any way out. This may be unfixable. I'm left to face my mistake.

History never fails to repeat itself.

God Is Good (:

First thing's first: I dreamed last night!!!!!! Err, this morning more like, since I didn't sleep last night... Anyhow, the point is, I dreamed. I haven't done that in a while, which is really sad because I absolutely love dreams... There's just something about them that fascinates me.

Moreover, it wasn't a nightmare as my dreams typically are. I didn't wake up shocked and sweating, there wasn't any reason to reach for a book and blast music until I got my mind off of it, etc. It also wasn't the "I was driving until suddenly I tripped over a rock" type that my dreams/nightmares usually are. It made chronological sense. Well, for the most part... there was one thing at the very end that caught me off guard. But that's beside the point.

I won't go into telling you all about it as it was a long, detailed dream. There was one part of it, however, that really stuck out to me.

We were staying at some resort, I can't remember where. I was taking a walk around the pool area (I might add that the pool was HUGE, even larger than my community's pool/water park thing) when I saw some of my friends. They convinced me to go swimming as well, so I had to go back to my family's room to change into my swimsuit. On my way to the building, some guy starting making rude comments about how I was too skinny(I won't go into the details of what exactly he was saying...). Basically, I told him off and left him speechless. Again, details aren't required here. ;]

I'm so proud of my dream self. hehe

I interpret that part of the dream to mean this: no matter what people do or say to me, I always have the strength to remain confident in who I am. My strength doesn't depend on what people may or may not think of me. I don't have to rely on man because the foundation of who I am isn't earthly.

God is good. Not only did He give me a dream, He gave me the encouragement I've been needing so desperately. (:

Strength- Pure Ramblings...

 ...Which Will Soon Develop Into Well-Organized Thoughts (:


God's been teaching me a lot about strength and weakness. Correction. God isn't teaching me about anything. He's forcing me to grow, showing me first-hand how weak I really am. How weak those I used to rely on are. I guess the only way for one to grow stronger is to have our support ripped out from right underneath us, though. At least, that's what I'm gathering based on what I've been going through lately.

I feel very much like I'm not strong enough. Like the slightest gust of wind, so to speak, is going to come any second now and knock me out completely. Funny thing is, though, it hasn't happened yet. Not quite. Things keep hitting me from every angle, and somehow I'm able to keep defending myself. But I feel weaker and weaker after each trial. I've already snapped twice at the one person God told me to control my emotions around. I'm at the point of severe exhaustion despite having slept for nearly two days straight. I'm easily irritable, I have little patience, and I'm unable to concentrate on the tasks set before me.

So maybe I'm doing something wrong?

Obviously I get that God's strength is all we're supposed to rely on. We're not supposed to rely on the strength of ourselves, of man. That's what I'm trying to do- rely on no strength but His. I'm praying every moment for strength, litterally every breath is either praising God or asking Him to keep my barriers strong or confessing something specifically I did wrong, repenting, and asking His forgiveness. Basically every moment I'm awake is spent talking to God. I'm abstaining from secular music, reading secular books, etc. because my mind can't take anything that isn't of God right now. If my focus strays just a tiny bit, I collapse.

I just want someone else's support. So far, a lot of people seem to understand the extent of exhaustion that I'm in. But I can't cry on anyone's shoulder, because everyone's too busy crying on my shoulder.

I tried "crying on someone's shoulder", so to speak. I had someone who listened to all my problems and tried to offer encouragement. You know what happened? This. All that I'm going through right now is happening because I was relying on someone other than God to offer me support. I talked with Him late into the night, into the morning, about it. He told me that my issues weren't meant to burden this said person. I was supposed to be the pillar. When the pillar collapses, the whole roof falls in... Even though it didn't seem like that's what was happening, it seemed as though I had found my own pillar of strength, God warned me that eventually it would happen if I kept going about things the way I was.

I have all the answers to my own problems. I know what to do to solve any emotional strain I'm going through, or at least how to let God handle it. But there are people out there who don't have that "advantage". That's why I'm here. I'm here to show them the answers that God has given me. Not to ask them for answers, because apparently I have those already if I concentrate on God enough.

It's just really hard because the human mind craves the physical. I crave a pillar I can hear and see, who has a physical shoulder I can physically cry on. Okay, so maybe that's going a bit far. I'm not exactly the type to cry in front of someone, let alone on their shoulder. But someone whose physical voice provides encouragement and strength would be nice.

I know that one day God will bring someone in my life who is that pillar. Right now, though, I need to rely solely on Him so that I can keep being the pillar for those in my life who need me. I can't make someone who doesn't have the right answers be that pillar. I can't cry on anyone's shoulder who needs a shoulder themselves to cry on.

Until God brings me MY pillar, I'm supposed to be the available shoulder to cry on.


(Or maybe there are pillars in my life, I just haven't recognized them yet? Hmm, something to ponder.)

And no, I don't allow anyone to take advantage of my strength in God. I know who will learn and grow from what I have to offer and who will run me dry. That's why I continue to offer strength to certain people when I feel like I don't have any myself. Because I know they will grow from it and turn around to give me strength back. They offer me encouragement when they're strong enough to offer it. They're around for God to show me that, while they can't be my pillar of strength, God doesn't neglect the fact that I need strength time to time from those physically around me. By giving them strength, I can, in essence, allow Him to give me strength through myself.


Confused yet? Don't worry. This all lines up and makes sense to me. (:

God is good. Despite how trying this time in my life is, how weary I feel, He's always around to keep me going. I love how He shows me things as I write. His words just come out of my finger tips and speak to me. This post itself, what God has spoken to me through it, gives me enough strength to face the next trial ahead.

Strength is a funny thing. Ultimately we're all supposed to draw our strength from God, but the sources He gives us from which to draw it vary. Try to draw it from the wrong source, it will most likely fail in the end. I'll just keep praying that I focus on the correct source from here on out, so that this is the last time I have to go through something as ground-shaking as I am right now...

Or at least, so that I'll know better right away how to handle my next big earthquake.

My mind...

My mind is very mathematical. I approach everything with logic, and I can literally debate myself into or out of anything, and I mean anything, if I try hard enough. Just as an example, if I wanted to write an argument that the sky is green, I could make you believe that the sky is green. But first I would have to put myself through a process in making ME believe that the sky is green. My mind would literally debate itself until it believed that the sky is green. Of course, before I did that, I would have to ready myself into a state of being WILLING to accept that the sky is green. This would require wracking my brain on everything I know about the sky being blue, and, not exactly erasing that data from my mind, but turning each one completely upside-down and reversed so that each fact of the sky being blue is questionable. The entire process would put a lot of emotional strain on me, as well as the inability to handle other, regular tasks efficiently. But, once I was through and honestly believed that the sky was green, I could write up such a convincing argument about the sky being green that most people would agree with me.

 And, because I know you're doubtful and you're wanting me to prove myself, no, I am not going to try to make you believe that the sky is green.

You see, there's this other quality that I have. It's the quality that states simply that I need to be there for people. When I'm in the process of convincing myself of something, that part of my brain takes me over completely. I'll argue anything you say that doesn't have logic or reason behind it. Since humans tend to think with our emotions first rather than examining every thought and every reason behind that thought, as you can guess, a lot of what we do and say doesn't have much other than emotion behind it. It still has math(logic) and reason, but that math and reason is based off of the emotion, and therefore the emotions and actions which follow have a great potential to be the incorrect answer to the equation. So, to put it simply, I don't get along well with other people when I'm in this particular state of mind. And when you don't get along with other people, well, it's pretty impossible to be there for them.


There are times when someone might say I'm being illogical, and technically they are not incorrect. I've noticed that my brain also works at a certain level that is above logic. If we view certain aspects of life with only logic, they'll never make sense. Such as, for example, the universe. The universe is very illogical.
Technically, in God's point of view, time doesn't exist. If that's the case, then this life, this world around us, the universe- they don't exist. Not in the sense that we understand the word "exist" to mean, anyhow.

To exist, as we understand it, means to have being in a specified place or time with respect to understood limitations or conditions. If something doesn't operate in the laws of time, it can't exist. The universe isn't confined. It goes on, forever, with no limitations. Therefore, it technically does not EXIST. God's love for us has no limitations, it's purely unconditional, therefore, His love can't exist. God doesn't operate in the laws of time, He has no limitations, He Himself is unconditional. Therefore, technically, even He can't exist.

So, what have I done? Well, basically, I've just used 100% logic, based on the definition of the word "exist", to prove that God doesn't exist. I've also managed to prove that we don't exist, either. But obviously, we do exist. The universe exists, otherwise we wouldn't exist. God exists, otherwise the universe wouldn't exist.

This is purely an example of how limited our human minds really are, and how limited the English language is. The English language leaves no "wiggle room" in its words. Each word has one specific definition, or sometimes multiple definitions, and it is only limited to the definitions it is given. They cannot mean anything other than the definitions they are given. Period.

In order to understand how we, the universe, and God exist, we must scrap all logic and all understanding of the English language. We must be willing to look at things from a completely illogical point of view... but I'm not going to get into that, because it has nothing to do with the point I'm making. (:

As you can see, my mind is very complicated. I have a completely logical, mathematical way of thinking, yet I can look beyond that when it is required of me. I have the advantage of seeing everything from multiple perspectives. It's a gift that God has given me, although it usually feels like a tormenting curse... I have to be extra careful and constantly submit my thoughts to God, because, as you can see, it's just too easy for me to talk myself into or out of anything. Nevertheless, I am thankful for this gift and I will try to use it for His purpose.

Decisons, decisions...

You know that feeling you get, when everything just seems to go completely wrong? It's just one thing after another, and not even necessarily big things. They can be the dumbest little things that honestly wouldn't matter if they were on their own. When it's thing after thing after thing after thing, with no break, not even for five whole minutes, in between. A few dumb little things, a huge thing, another dumb thing, ohmygodtheworld'sgonnaend hugeness, few more little things...
Of course you know that feeling.
And so do I.
And so does he.
And your uncle does, too.
I believe everyone in the entire world knows that feeling.
I'm getting tired of living life this way. I wish something to go right for a change, I want there to be peace and happiness and unity.
But what I want even more than that?
I want people to stop complaining. I want people to realize that this is life and no amount of wishing is going to change it.
I don't mind if you come to me with your problems and what not. If I'm your friend, then the fact is that I love you and I'm here for you when you need me. I'm not getting tired of helping to relieve you of some of your stress. I think I'm strong enough in my relationship with God that I don't let your issues weigh me down because I give them straight to Him and let Him deal with them through me how He wants to. I'm here for you, and we all need someone to talk to often.
What I'm getting tired of is people letting their circumstances affect their emotions and how they live their life to the point that they rarely, if ever, find joy and comfort.
Happiness is a choice. You can choose to focus all your emotions on your surroundings in this world, or you can choose to let God deal with it through you and focus completely on Him.
I lived a good portion of my life listening to talk radio. Every week day at 10 a.m. my dad would be listening to the Dennis Prager show. Prager played a very large role in framing the way I view happiness.
I used to suffer from severe depression. It's a whole long story that I really don't want to get into now, but feel free to ask me about it sometime. Anyhow, one thing I heard Dennis Prager say during the "happiness hour" one day really woke me up to the mistake I was living in my life at the time. He said something along the lines of, "Just as a person would say when they get a cold that they are a healthy person who is sick, when we're sad, we shouldn't say, 'I'm a sad person.' Rather, we should say, 'I am a happy person who is sad.'" It seems kinda silly, but it's amazing how much thinking this way changes your whole perspective on life.
So seriously. Quit going on and on about how terrible your life is. Everyone else's lives are just as bad, if not worse. Instead, decide to be a happy person who is going through some tough situations. Remember that this life only lasts so long, and that spending it beating yourself up, being depressed, worrying, etc. is a complete waste of your time. Rather you should be focusing on building your relationship with God and building up your joy in Him so that, when the time comes, you can be a strong pillar for those who were too blind to see Him sooner.

It really is just as simple as a decision. So what will you decide?

Fear

About two months ago I got a little dog. At first my cats were terrified of him. Imagine it from their point of view. You're living a peaceful, lazy life. Nothing scary ever happens to you, you're constantly loved and you can sleep soundly just about anywhere you please because you feel so safe. One day, this energetic, stinky, noisy litte creature comes in and starts wreaking havoc in your life. You can't move without it sprinting toward you, growling and jumping all over the place. So you hide all day long, in fear that if you come out, you'll be eaten alive. Then you get hungry. Your food is near to where the creature likes to stay. So you creep cautiously toward your food, keeping an eye on the sleeping creature. Suddenly, it wakes up. It notices you, but doesn't move. However, you're so scared that it's going to chase you, that you scramble and run away. It sees this mad dash for safety, and begins to come after you.
Now from the dog's point of view, he just wants to play. He see that the cats are running, so he assumes that they want to be chased. It's never his intention to hurt anyone. In fact he wouldn't bother with them if they wouldn't run in the first place.
Fear is a funny thing. Often times we're so afraid of something that we end up, unintentionally of course, initiating it. We're so afraid of messing up on the upcoming test that we can't concentrate on studying, therefore not knowing any answers to any of the questions and getting that F we feared. We're afraid our parents are going to say no when we ask to go with our friend on their family's vacation so we don't ask until the last minute, which doesn't give our parents enough time to think about it so they say no. We're so afraid of being rejected by our close friends, we decide not to put any effort into our friendships, and end up feeling rejected when our friends stop putting in effort as well. We're so afraid that the dog is going to chase us, we run at the first sight of him, thereby instigating him to chase us. The list goes on and on.
Ask yourself, is there anything in your life that you're letting fear control? Are you running from a dog that wouldn't chase you otherwise?
Oh and in case you're wondering, the cats eventually learned that if they stood their ground and didn't react to the dog, he'd leave them alone completely. They now live in peace with him, even chasing him once in a while to play.

Kill or be killed, it's a cruel world out there, baby...

I care about people. A lot. It doesn't matter to me who they are, where they are, what they've said, what they've done, etc. Every person deserves to be loved. Everyone deserves to have someone they can trust. No exceptions.
Too often, though, things just don't seem to work out that way. Our emotions are abused by those around us, and we begin to feel that no one cares about us. We come to the realization that humanity is one big let down and that we can't allow anyone to get close to us ever again.
I'm just gonna come out and say it. That is an outright sick, twisted lie.
Life is all about learning. I know how cliche that sounds and how tiresome it can be to hear; nevertheless, it is true. You have to learn who is trustworthy and who isn't. It's a painful process, believe me, I  know. But it's one we all have to go through. Eventually you learn the warning signs to look for so that you may know when someone isn't trustworthy. You'll figure out the promises of a person who is genuine and deserving of your faith and trust. To some this comes quite naturally, others it takes a few times of getting their hearts ripped from their chests, and some it can take a whole lifetime.
Now, don't get me wrong here. Placing your trust in someone will always require giving up a part of yourself. It's a big chance to take. No matter how well you think you are at reading people, sometimes people just can't be read. So don't be surprised when you put faith in a seemingly trustworthy person and they let you down. It's simple human nature. You've hurt people, I've hurt people- just like every other "normal" person on this planet has hurt and been hurt someone at some point in their life.
I think the real lesson is learning how to react when your trust is abused.
Most of the time, our first instinct is to locate the nearest ditch, curl up into it, and die. As appealing as that may sound at times, I don't believe it's the best course of action to take. I think the first thing one should do when they've been hurt is stop and examine what it is they could have done to hurt the other person involved.
This requires completely humbling yourself. I know, it's hard. I'm not perfect, and no one expects you to be, either. But, contrary to what some may say, trying always counts for something.
It's human nature to be afraid of being rejected. I don't know about you, but the thought of someone rejecting me doesn't sound very pleasant. Whether it be by not giving me a chance at friendship; by abusing my trust in them in some way, shape, or form; or by simply not inviting me to the big party Friday night; etc., rejection hurts. What most of us never realize is that, when we're so afraid of being rejected, we tend to reject those around us first.
My friends, this is what is known as the "Kill Or Be Killed" philosophy. It's usually a subconscious occurrence, although I have known people who intentionally hurt those around them simply because they didn't want to be hurt first.
It's screwed up.
I'm not pointing fingers, so don't be alarmed. My finger is positioned perfectly toward the mirror just where it belongs. I plead guilty. Just as everyone is, I think.
So, when you've been hurt by your friend, uncle, step-mom, whoever- look in the mirror first. Try to look closely at your situation, unbiased as you can be. Look at things from their point of view. If you know them well, try to think of how their emotions normally respond to things. Could they, perhaps, have felt hurt by something you may have done? Whether merited or not, it could explain why they did what they did to hurt you. Or maybe they did it completely unintentionally. Perhaps something happened to them of which you are not aware that put their emotions in such an unstable place that they hurt you. Or it could be that they really are just an evil person.
Whatever the case may be, don't jump to conclusions. I guarantee that this always makes things much worse than they need to be. Do your research if you have to. And never, ever be afraid to talk to someone about what you're feeling toward them. It might just make your relationship with that person even better. As long as you do so in a calm, non-accusatory way, that is.
Another thing I want to touch up on before I conclude this post- Forgiveness. Everyone deserves it. Forgiving is part of loving. And I already stated that everyone deserves to be loved.
I've never believed in the statement "Forgive and Forget." Sometimes things shouldn't be forgotten. If a person abuses your trust, you shouldn't turn a blind eye and tell them your deepest, darkest secrets. That'd just be stupid, and you'd end up harboring a lot of pain and hate toward that person that could end up being dangerous for you and those around you.
Forgiveness happens when you make a decision to not be offended by what they did to you. You shouldn't seek to "get them back." It's like this... If you want someone to experience the pain you felt in what they did to hurt you, you haven't forgiven them. If you believe in judgment day, then here's a good example for you- When that person is standing before God, watching all their sins displayed on the "big screen" in front of them, reliving every single moment and feeling the repercussions of every single thing, do you want what they did to you to be up there, too? True forgiveness is achieved when you can answer honestly that you do not want them to have to experience that. You completely let go of the pain and move on.
"How can this be possible?" You might ask. "You can't just LET GO of something that serious!" Well, you're right. It is entirely 100% impossible to let go of some things. Sometimes the pain is just too great and you have no idea what to do with it. This is where God comes in. If you rely fully on Him for strength in this matter, well, by His stripes, even our emotional scars are healed.

Now, you're probably wondering what brought the idea for this post on... Well, I'll tell you.
I had a friend whom I loved dearly. He had issues, as does everyone, but he felt he had no one he could rely on. So he harbored a lot of pain. Then, he met me. After a couple of weeks of talking nearly every day, I somehow managed to gain his trust in such a way that, whenever he was dealing with something, I was the first person he'd come to. He found himself opening up to me about nearly everything he was dealing with. He confessed once that he never wanted to talk to me about the things he ended up telling me, it just happened.
After a few more months, he got really sick and disappeared out of my life for a while. Eventually he came back, but things weren't like they had been. He rarely had time to talk to me, and the few moments we did get to speak, it was just nonsense. There was one time when I told him that I missed him, and he said he missed me as well. We talked for a bit, and I thought things were going to go back to how they had been, but they didn't. In fact, he disappeared again.
About two weeks after he disappeared, I tried emailing him. No response. I checked Facebook, MySpace- nothing. To this day, his last MySpace login was 6 days after he had stopped talking to me; back in December.
I grew more and more worried about him, my stomach aching each time I thought of him. I began to imagine the worst. I checked obituaries frequently, news reports, anything that could give me a clue as to what had happened. Still nothing.
After having been thinking of him nearly every day, I reached a point about a month ago where I decided I couldn't allow my thoughts to dwell on him. I realized there was no point in it. If he was gone, he was gone. There was nothing I could do and I had to let go. This didn't stop me from thinking about him, but I did notice the worried pangs in my stomach dissipated.
Today, I recieved an email. It was short and to the point.
He explained that he had to stop talking to me because he was allowing himself to trust me too much. He said it was stupid of him to trust me at all in the first place, because eventually I would betray him, just like every other person. He assured me that it wasn't my fault, I hadn't done anything, he just couldn't keep being my friend because he didn't want to get hurt and have that get in the way of all the good times we had. He'd rather remember me as the one person he could trust in his life than the person who hurt him the worst. He asked me not to reply.
Nearly six months of being worried sick about this guy, you can imagine how I felt after reading that... I had never done a single thing wrong toward him, yet he was shoving me away because of a possibility that I would.
Kill or be killed. That's his mindset. And it sucks.
I'm not mad at him. Although my initial reaction was to feel hurt by his email, my nonphysical tears were not those of self-pity or hurt. They were those of sympathy. I can't imagine living my whole life hurting those who truly care about me just because I didn't want to be hurt by them. Well, actually, I can. I used to be that way.
I've been through a lot, as have we all. I've experienced things I wouldn't wish upon any person. I've been through things I pray the people I love never have to go through. But I can say with full confidence that the worst, darkest, most depressing time in my life was when I felt I had to shove everyone away.
So I know how he feels. The only difference is, he's been living this way nearly his whole life, and he's not willing to let a good person in when he finds one. I can't imagine what a person must have to go through to feel that they have to end a friendship simply because they want to remember that person as their friend and not as their enemy...
It's messed up. It's twisted. It's sick. It's pathetic. It's... it's a lot of things. But overall, it's saddening.
I plan to do something to end it. Not just for him, but for everyone who feels this way. Maybe this post can some how help with that.

~xHx~

Formspring!!

So, I set up a formspring account a while back and figured I'd let anyone who reads this blog know. (:
Ask me anything. I'm not shy. (;
http://www.formspring.me/HeatherLuvzU

Struggles and Strife

I'm scared and in tears
Hoping for a calm to these fears
I'm desperate and worthless
Wanting not to be faithless
I listen to the lies I keep making
I want to kill this life I keep faking

My life is a twisted mess
It consists of too many wounds to dress
It's always one thing after another
I have no time to duck for cover
I see the lights up above
They speak of my lost love

My mind has folded over its creases
I'm waiting for it to shatter to pieces
Insanity; is it really so bad?
What drives me to want to go mad?
Am I really so lost
That I'd pay my mind, the cost?

The truth is I would
In fact, I'd do all that I could
To lose sight of what is real
I'd give anything to not feel
Because I'm tired of life
Of these struggles and strife

I know this is wrong, that I shouldn't give in
I know there is hope beyond this dismal din
But Lord I can't take it
And I'm so tired of faking it
So show me the hope of true joy
Show me this life isn't some hilarious ploy

I'll keep pressing onward and stay faithful to You
I'll keep searching for a hope, brand new
I've surrendered my life solely for You
You'll keep me sane, that much I know to be true
Though it is hard and I can't do it alone
To reach you beyond, my sins, will I atone?


The truth is I would
In fact, I'd do all that I could
To focus on You, who alone is real
Only Your love I'll feel
Because I'm tired of life
Of these struggles and strife

Taking Back the World For the One From Whom It Was Stolen

Up until just recently, I've never really tried to figure out what my existence is for. I've learned bits and pieces, like that I'm supposed to be a missionary, a warrior, an armor bearer, etc. but I've never actually laid down any goals. And I think that now, now that I finally have allowed God to remove so many distractions from my life, I'm finally starting to see some very possible goals for my future.
Unfortunately(or maybe not so much?), I don't have a long list ready to go. But, I do have one, and I've got some I can feel on the edge of my mind just waiting to formulate. So, I guess I'll post them as they come. (:

1) I'd like to write at least one novel for young adults that people go crazy over. I'm sorry if this sounds arrogant, but I don't have the slightest doubt that I'm capable of it. Because it's not me alone who's writing. God is writing through me. Also, I don't want people to idolize me as the author, or the characters in the book, or the book itself. I don't want it to be another "Twilight", so to speak. I want the reader to be undeniably drawn to God through my writing, and be impacted in such a way that makes them want to live their life solely dedicated to God's will.

I'm not sorry anymore.

Boys... For someone who has no real interest in dating, who isn't a "hopeless romantic", I sure seem to write a lot about boys. Especially boys I've loved. Boys who I thought loved me.
One boy I tend to write a lot about. I've beaten myself up for like a year and a half now over him... And right now, at this moment in time, I am so thankful we wrecked our friendship way back when. God really knew how to make THAT turn out for the absolute best.
Even though I'm thankful for being spared as much pain as what I learned today would have caused me, I'm still hurting over this new truth... I can't stop the tears from flowing even now as I type this... But at least now I see the hope in the end. I know that I will overcome this, and I will heal. There is a time, not too far from now, when I won't look back at you with regret.
I honestly believe that if I didn't know what I now know about you, I never would have gotten over you. You'd always taunt my dreams in some form, always be on the back of my mind...
This truth hurts. It hurts a lot. However, because of that supposed mistake we made, I don't have to suffer nearly to the extent I would if we were still together. And with this pain comes freedom.
I only hope and pray you find salvation in the end...



~xHx~

Venting

You confuse me, and it's wearing on me.
You always give me just enough time to get over you completely, then you suddenly pop out of nowhere acting like I'm your best friend. And you actually have the nerve to get mad at me when I don't answer my phone when you call for the first time in four months!!! How long do you think I'll wait for you to remember I exist before I decide I'm completely done with you? How many times do you think I'll tolerate you coming back to me and acting like I'm your best friend after you completely forgot about me for so long? It's getting old. I have real friends who actually know I exist. I kinda prefer them over you, believe it or not.
You seem like such a nice guy, too. You're the most polite, most charming guy I've ever met. Like someone straight out of a fairytale. Quite the charade you've got going for you there... Too bad  life lasts longer than a few hours for more people than just you.
I'm not some program you can just log back into after so many months, all your data saved just the way it was. Life goes on for me too, you know. Yes- even when you're not thinking about me. Wow, what a concept!
Oh, and just to throw this out there since it's been on my mind for what, 6-ish months now?  You might have mentioned the fact that you have a girlfriend, who you're probably planning on marrying, when you offered to take me on a date next time you made it out my way. Who would have thought I'd actually have something against a guy cheating on his girl with me???
Yeah, I'm done with you. Have a nice life and all.

[/end vent]

USA versus Haiti- Are you freaking kidding me??

 "America: the only country where we have homeless without shelter, children going to bed without eating, elderly going without needed meds, and mentally ill without treatment - yet we have a benefit for the people of Haiti on 12 TV stations. 99% of people won't have the guts to copy and repost this!!"

I am a person of no anger. I don't know what is is, anger just isn't an emotion I feel. I've gotten angry maybe 3 times in my life.
What I'm saying is, it takes quite a lot to make me angry. I rant about things a lot, I get upset, but I'm so rarely ever actually angry.
When I read this, though, I felt rage. I wanted to cuss out my friend who posted this. If I were near her, as sad as it is to say this, I probably would have hurt her. That's something I have never felt in my life, ever. Yet right now, it's exactly how I feel...



Whoever wrote that has no clue what they're talking about... The ONLY country? Try looking into 3rd world countries... Like in Ethiopia you get people who spend two weeks WALKING to the city in hopes that they might find meds for their parents who are in need, with a 95% chance of not even getting any.
Or in Israel where they only have 2 homeless shelters in the whole country, each only housing about 70 people at a time... Their few soup kitchens get over 1,000 people a day who are mentally ill, homeless, abused, etc, who have no other help. And that's only a small number compared to everyone else there who never receives help.
Haiti is completely leveled thanks to the earthquakes. I can't even begin to comprehend seeing my whole country leveled to the ground, over 100,000 people confirmed dead and even more missing, in a country of only 9,035,536 people.
Sure, America has many people who are in need who never get help, but to say that we're the only country is completely far-fetched and, quire frankly, down-right selfish.
People in America, yes even the homeless, live in luxury compared to people in Haiti. I understand it's hard for a lot of people here, and I'm sorry we can't help everyone who needs it, but right now people in Haiti are so much worse off than anyone in America can even begin to comprehend comprehending... We should be happy to help.
If the whole of America were to be leveled by a 7.0, who would help us?

People in America have no idea what poverty is. When we read about things like what happened in Haiti, why the hell are we complaining about helping them? Shouldn't we be thankful we don't have to know what it's like to live in Haiti?
Haiti was already a poor country, the poorest in the whole world. Half of their population were unemployed, and the ones who were lucky enough to have a job made less than the equivalent of 2 dollars a day.
When we start seeing statistics like that in the USA, maybe then we can think about complaining.
Until then, STFU. Seriously. I'm tired of reading all this BS.
And this is coming from a girl who has experienced homelessness, has experienced what it's like to go without meals, etc. And I am happy to say I don't know what anything close to poverty is like, and I will gladly do what I can to help those in third world countries who know nothing but poverty. Who experience a 7.0 on top of that...

~xHx~