Kill or be killed, it's a cruel world out there, baby...

I care about people. A lot. It doesn't matter to me who they are, where they are, what they've said, what they've done, etc. Every person deserves to be loved. Everyone deserves to have someone they can trust. No exceptions.
Too often, though, things just don't seem to work out that way. Our emotions are abused by those around us, and we begin to feel that no one cares about us. We come to the realization that humanity is one big let down and that we can't allow anyone to get close to us ever again.
I'm just gonna come out and say it. That is an outright sick, twisted lie.
Life is all about learning. I know how cliche that sounds and how tiresome it can be to hear; nevertheless, it is true. You have to learn who is trustworthy and who isn't. It's a painful process, believe me, I  know. But it's one we all have to go through. Eventually you learn the warning signs to look for so that you may know when someone isn't trustworthy. You'll figure out the promises of a person who is genuine and deserving of your faith and trust. To some this comes quite naturally, others it takes a few times of getting their hearts ripped from their chests, and some it can take a whole lifetime.
Now, don't get me wrong here. Placing your trust in someone will always require giving up a part of yourself. It's a big chance to take. No matter how well you think you are at reading people, sometimes people just can't be read. So don't be surprised when you put faith in a seemingly trustworthy person and they let you down. It's simple human nature. You've hurt people, I've hurt people- just like every other "normal" person on this planet has hurt and been hurt someone at some point in their life.
I think the real lesson is learning how to react when your trust is abused.
Most of the time, our first instinct is to locate the nearest ditch, curl up into it, and die. As appealing as that may sound at times, I don't believe it's the best course of action to take. I think the first thing one should do when they've been hurt is stop and examine what it is they could have done to hurt the other person involved.
This requires completely humbling yourself. I know, it's hard. I'm not perfect, and no one expects you to be, either. But, contrary to what some may say, trying always counts for something.
It's human nature to be afraid of being rejected. I don't know about you, but the thought of someone rejecting me doesn't sound very pleasant. Whether it be by not giving me a chance at friendship; by abusing my trust in them in some way, shape, or form; or by simply not inviting me to the big party Friday night; etc., rejection hurts. What most of us never realize is that, when we're so afraid of being rejected, we tend to reject those around us first.
My friends, this is what is known as the "Kill Or Be Killed" philosophy. It's usually a subconscious occurrence, although I have known people who intentionally hurt those around them simply because they didn't want to be hurt first.
It's screwed up.
I'm not pointing fingers, so don't be alarmed. My finger is positioned perfectly toward the mirror just where it belongs. I plead guilty. Just as everyone is, I think.
So, when you've been hurt by your friend, uncle, step-mom, whoever- look in the mirror first. Try to look closely at your situation, unbiased as you can be. Look at things from their point of view. If you know them well, try to think of how their emotions normally respond to things. Could they, perhaps, have felt hurt by something you may have done? Whether merited or not, it could explain why they did what they did to hurt you. Or maybe they did it completely unintentionally. Perhaps something happened to them of which you are not aware that put their emotions in such an unstable place that they hurt you. Or it could be that they really are just an evil person.
Whatever the case may be, don't jump to conclusions. I guarantee that this always makes things much worse than they need to be. Do your research if you have to. And never, ever be afraid to talk to someone about what you're feeling toward them. It might just make your relationship with that person even better. As long as you do so in a calm, non-accusatory way, that is.
Another thing I want to touch up on before I conclude this post- Forgiveness. Everyone deserves it. Forgiving is part of loving. And I already stated that everyone deserves to be loved.
I've never believed in the statement "Forgive and Forget." Sometimes things shouldn't be forgotten. If a person abuses your trust, you shouldn't turn a blind eye and tell them your deepest, darkest secrets. That'd just be stupid, and you'd end up harboring a lot of pain and hate toward that person that could end up being dangerous for you and those around you.
Forgiveness happens when you make a decision to not be offended by what they did to you. You shouldn't seek to "get them back." It's like this... If you want someone to experience the pain you felt in what they did to hurt you, you haven't forgiven them. If you believe in judgment day, then here's a good example for you- When that person is standing before God, watching all their sins displayed on the "big screen" in front of them, reliving every single moment and feeling the repercussions of every single thing, do you want what they did to you to be up there, too? True forgiveness is achieved when you can answer honestly that you do not want them to have to experience that. You completely let go of the pain and move on.
"How can this be possible?" You might ask. "You can't just LET GO of something that serious!" Well, you're right. It is entirely 100% impossible to let go of some things. Sometimes the pain is just too great and you have no idea what to do with it. This is where God comes in. If you rely fully on Him for strength in this matter, well, by His stripes, even our emotional scars are healed.

Now, you're probably wondering what brought the idea for this post on... Well, I'll tell you.
I had a friend whom I loved dearly. He had issues, as does everyone, but he felt he had no one he could rely on. So he harbored a lot of pain. Then, he met me. After a couple of weeks of talking nearly every day, I somehow managed to gain his trust in such a way that, whenever he was dealing with something, I was the first person he'd come to. He found himself opening up to me about nearly everything he was dealing with. He confessed once that he never wanted to talk to me about the things he ended up telling me, it just happened.
After a few more months, he got really sick and disappeared out of my life for a while. Eventually he came back, but things weren't like they had been. He rarely had time to talk to me, and the few moments we did get to speak, it was just nonsense. There was one time when I told him that I missed him, and he said he missed me as well. We talked for a bit, and I thought things were going to go back to how they had been, but they didn't. In fact, he disappeared again.
About two weeks after he disappeared, I tried emailing him. No response. I checked Facebook, MySpace- nothing. To this day, his last MySpace login was 6 days after he had stopped talking to me; back in December.
I grew more and more worried about him, my stomach aching each time I thought of him. I began to imagine the worst. I checked obituaries frequently, news reports, anything that could give me a clue as to what had happened. Still nothing.
After having been thinking of him nearly every day, I reached a point about a month ago where I decided I couldn't allow my thoughts to dwell on him. I realized there was no point in it. If he was gone, he was gone. There was nothing I could do and I had to let go. This didn't stop me from thinking about him, but I did notice the worried pangs in my stomach dissipated.
Today, I recieved an email. It was short and to the point.
He explained that he had to stop talking to me because he was allowing himself to trust me too much. He said it was stupid of him to trust me at all in the first place, because eventually I would betray him, just like every other person. He assured me that it wasn't my fault, I hadn't done anything, he just couldn't keep being my friend because he didn't want to get hurt and have that get in the way of all the good times we had. He'd rather remember me as the one person he could trust in his life than the person who hurt him the worst. He asked me not to reply.
Nearly six months of being worried sick about this guy, you can imagine how I felt after reading that... I had never done a single thing wrong toward him, yet he was shoving me away because of a possibility that I would.
Kill or be killed. That's his mindset. And it sucks.
I'm not mad at him. Although my initial reaction was to feel hurt by his email, my nonphysical tears were not those of self-pity or hurt. They were those of sympathy. I can't imagine living my whole life hurting those who truly care about me just because I didn't want to be hurt by them. Well, actually, I can. I used to be that way.
I've been through a lot, as have we all. I've experienced things I wouldn't wish upon any person. I've been through things I pray the people I love never have to go through. But I can say with full confidence that the worst, darkest, most depressing time in my life was when I felt I had to shove everyone away.
So I know how he feels. The only difference is, he's been living this way nearly his whole life, and he's not willing to let a good person in when he finds one. I can't imagine what a person must have to go through to feel that they have to end a friendship simply because they want to remember that person as their friend and not as their enemy...
It's messed up. It's twisted. It's sick. It's pathetic. It's... it's a lot of things. But overall, it's saddening.
I plan to do something to end it. Not just for him, but for everyone who feels this way. Maybe this post can some how help with that.

~xHx~