I Gave Up

Surrender... Often during worship we'll say that we surrender to God's will or whatever, but what does that actually look like? Are we saying empty words we don't intend to carry out?
Surrender isn't something to say we're doing just so that we can have a good, fluttery feeling in our stomachs while we sing to God. It isn't lifting your hands, getting on your knees, singing as loud as you can. It isn't tears streaming down your cheeks.

Main Entry: sur·ren·der
Pronunciation: \sə-ˈren-dər\
Function: verb
Inflected Form(s): sur·ren·dered; sur·ren·der·ing \-d(ə-)riŋ\
Etymology: Middle English surrendren, from surrendre, noun
Date: 15th century
transitive verb 1 a : to yield to the power, control, or possession of another upon compulsion or demand b : to give up completely or agree to forgo especially in favor of another
2 a : to give (oneself) up into the power of another especially as a prisoner b : to give (oneself) over to something (as an influence)intransitive verb : to give oneself up into the power of another : yield
synonyms see relinquish

Main Entry: re·lin·quish
Pronunciation: \ri-ˈliŋ-kwish, -ˈlin-\
Function: transitive verb
Etymology: Middle English relinquisshen, from Anglo-French relinquiss-, stem of relinquir, from Latin relinquere to leave behind, from re- + linquere to leave — more at loan
Date: 15th century
1 : to withdraw or retreat from : leave behind
2 : give up
3 a : to stop holding physically : release b : to give over possession or control of : yield

You can't surrender to God without giving yourself entirely up. This means every pleasure, every craving, every thought, every action, etc. needs to be God's, completely.

I am so guilty of lifting my hands in surrender, and then turning my back as soon as the music stops.

God got on my case about this a little while back. Of course, as gracious and merciful as He is, he actually went as far as to make it easy for me to surrender myself to Him.

(Just as a side note, I'm trying hard not to care about man's opinion of me, but I would really appreciate it if you could please try hard not to judge...
I don't want your reassurances that you love me and care about me, etc. Most people in my life I've known long enough that it's pretty clear who honestly cares about me and who doesn't. I mean, I love being reassured that I'm cared about, but don't reassure me simply because you think it looks like I need it.
Judging includes jumping to conclusions, so don't do that either. Especially if you think you're mentioned. If you are, I've most likely talked to you about it before.)

Without the Lord, my life kinda sucks. I'm not saying that to be negative or anything, it's just the truth. I rarely sleep. Whether it's because of the neighbor's dog that barks into all hours of the night/early morning, my cat, other things going on, or my own mind- there's always something that keeps me awake. I don't really have "friends". I'm burnt out from being the only one who actually cares and constantly being taken advantage of by people who claim to be my better friends and love me. I'm not going to go into more details because I don't believe in slander or gossip, especially when those in question haven't an opportunity to defend themselves, and there's some stuff that I simply don't want to share... But yeah, basically, outside of my Mishpacha in my congregation, my life fell apart.

About a week or so ago, I was pondering all this, and just started sobbing (tearless sobs... I'll explain that later. Or maybe not.). I just gave up. I told God He could take me any time, because life is meaningless now.

I don't even remember what happened the rest of that week.

And then this past Shabbat, everything changed. I really did give up my life.

This week, I'm not reading any books except for my school books and the Bible. I'm spending a lot of time in the Word and in prayer. Not only am I not listening to any secular music, I'm only listening to worship music.

God told me Saturday to go a week like this. I'm starting to want it to last longer.

Anything secular seems meaningless to me right now. While I'll always be an avid lover of anything classic, intricate, complicated- I probably will never throw out my Metallica, Wuthering Heights, or Tomb Raider- it's all pointless and it needs to not be what defines me. If I get through this week and find that I need to listen to that Five Finger Death Punch song or I'll go nuts, I'll go another week without it. I'll go without secular music and books until I don't need it to get through my day, then I'll move onto the next thing. I'll take this week by week until I have no idols.

I've given up on life. And that's what made it so easy to surrender myself completely. You can't surrender without giving up. To surrender is to give up.

And no I'm not becoming a nun or taking an oath of silence or anything like that. I'm just simply making God the main focus of my life rather than myself. (:

The past couple of days have been pretty easy, but I'm not expecting it to be all smooth sailing. I know my flesh will kick in one of these days and demand Tool. That's what happens during a detox. It's easy, then you go virtually insane with cravings, but once you get past that, you're free. And I'm not going to attempt to run on empty. Everything that goes out is replaced with something much, much better- God. Meaning.

I'm relinquishing my life, surrendering to God.