I don't believe people can change.
I believe God can change people, but only if we allow Him to. He can't change us until we've given up that which needs changing. And that's a very hard thing to do... I think most of us don't even know how.
Changing is something most of us don't think we need to do, so we never do. Even when we see it needs to happen, we just hope that someone else will change so we don't need to.
I don't believe people can keep promises. Not your typical promises, anyhow. If I were to promise you I'll hurt you, or that I would break a promise... those promises would be kept, even if they're not the promises you want to hear.
I'm so tired of people telling me what they think I want to hear. I'm weary from all the years of promises of change, promises you'll try, promises I won't have to go through this anymore... I try to be optimistic. I convince myself to believe in every lie just so that I won't be held accountable when things stay the same. I force myself to hope for the best, because I don't want to be the pessimistic problem child.
I'm tired of pretending. Pretending you're who everyone thinks you are, pretending that we're okay, that I'm okay...
I'm not okay. Not in the slightest... I don't know that I ever will be.
I have days where I'm strong. I'm good at finding the little things in life to keep me going.
But at night I always cry myself to sleep because I feel so ashamed that I can't be grateful for the life God gave me... It eats me up inside that I'm so blessed with everything God has done for me, and I am truly grateful for those things, but I feel utterly selfish because I want more. Who am I that I should look at my life and not be happy? God didn't have to create me, but He did... That alone should be a cause of rejoicing. So why aren't I joyful... Why am I so ungrateful?
I'm getting so close to a crossroads, I can feel it. I already see it. I know what the choices are, and I can take either path any time I want, but I'm not ready. I'm waiting until the last minute, when I'll have to choose. I'm terrified, because I don't know what I'm going to choose. There's something between here and there that's going to be the final factor in deciding what to choose, and I have no idea what it is.
As scared as I am about it, I hope it happens soon... Regardless of what I choose, at least I won't have to keep doing this...
I never talk about this. Not because I don't trust anyone. There are people I would trust with my life, and I hope that they don't read this and doubt themselves, because it isn't an issue with any of them. The issue is honor. I'm not going to be the cause of dishonor. And at the very least, it's easy enough to forget about the problem when I can pretend it's all in my head. So yeah. If you're reading this and wondering why this cryptic version is all you're getting to see, or something like that, it's not because I don't trust you... I'm just trying to do what's right.
Except this post probably isn't even right... I'm probably being a little selfish by even writing this, but part of me hopes that it will help in some way... If for nothing other than to get stuff off my chest for a few minutes.
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