...Which Will Soon Develop Into Well-Organized Thoughts (:
God's been teaching me a lot about strength and weakness. Correction. God isn't teaching me about anything. He's forcing me to grow, showing me first-hand how weak I really am. How weak those I used to rely on are. I guess the only way for one to grow stronger is to have our support ripped out from right underneath us, though. At least, that's what I'm gathering based on what I've been going through lately.
I feel very much like I'm not strong enough. Like the slightest gust of wind, so to speak, is going to come any second now and knock me out completely. Funny thing is, though, it hasn't happened yet. Not quite. Things keep hitting me from every angle, and somehow I'm able to keep defending myself. But I feel weaker and weaker after each trial. I've already snapped twice at the one person God told me to control my emotions around. I'm at the point of severe exhaustion despite having slept for nearly two days straight. I'm easily irritable, I have little patience, and I'm unable to concentrate on the tasks set before me.
So maybe I'm doing something wrong?
Obviously I get that God's strength is all we're supposed to rely on. We're not supposed to rely on the strength of ourselves, of man. That's what I'm trying to do- rely on no strength but His. I'm praying every moment for strength, litterally every breath is either praising God or asking Him to keep my barriers strong or confessing something specifically I did wrong, repenting, and asking His forgiveness. Basically every moment I'm awake is spent talking to God. I'm abstaining from secular music, reading secular books, etc. because my mind can't take anything that isn't of God right now. If my focus strays just a tiny bit, I collapse.
I just want someone else's support. So far, a lot of people seem to understand the extent of exhaustion that I'm in. But I can't cry on anyone's shoulder, because everyone's too busy crying on my shoulder.
I tried "crying on someone's shoulder", so to speak. I had someone who listened to all my problems and tried to offer encouragement. You know what happened? This. All that I'm going through right now is happening because I was relying on someone other than God to offer me support. I talked with Him late into the night, into the morning, about it. He told me that my issues weren't meant to burden this said person. I was supposed to be the pillar. When the pillar collapses, the whole roof falls in... Even though it didn't seem like that's what was happening, it seemed as though I had found my own pillar of strength, God warned me that eventually it would happen if I kept going about things the way I was.
I have all the answers to my own problems. I know what to do to solve any emotional strain I'm going through, or at least how to let God handle it. But there are people out there who don't have that "advantage". That's why I'm here. I'm here to show them the answers that God has given me. Not to ask them for answers, because apparently I have those already if I concentrate on God enough.
It's just really hard because the human mind craves the physical. I crave a pillar I can hear and see, who has a physical shoulder I can physically cry on. Okay, so maybe that's going a bit far. I'm not exactly the type to cry in front of someone, let alone on their shoulder. But someone whose physical voice provides encouragement and strength would be nice.
I know that one day God will bring someone in my life who is that pillar. Right now, though, I need to rely solely on Him so that I can keep being the pillar for those in my life who need me. I can't make someone who doesn't have the right answers be that pillar. I can't cry on anyone's shoulder who needs a shoulder themselves to cry on.
Until God brings me MY pillar, I'm supposed to be the available shoulder to cry on.
(Or maybe there are pillars in my life, I just haven't recognized them yet? Hmm, something to ponder.)
And no, I don't allow anyone to take advantage of my strength in God. I know who will learn and grow from what I have to offer and who will run me dry. That's why I continue to offer strength to certain people when I feel like I don't have any myself. Because I know they will grow from it and turn around to give me strength back. They offer me encouragement when they're strong enough to offer it. They're around for God to show me that, while they can't be my pillar of strength, God doesn't neglect the fact that I need strength time to time from those physically around me. By giving them strength, I can, in essence, allow Him to give me strength through myself.
Confused yet? Don't worry. This all lines up and makes sense to me. (:
God is good. Despite how trying this time in my life is, how weary I feel, He's always around to keep me going. I love how He shows me things as I write. His words just come out of my finger tips and speak to me. This post itself, what God has spoken to me through it, gives me enough strength to face the next trial ahead.
Strength is a funny thing. Ultimately we're all supposed to draw our strength from God, but the sources He gives us from which to draw it vary. Try to draw it from the wrong source, it will most likely fail in the end. I'll just keep praying that I focus on the correct source from here on out, so that this is the last time I have to go through something as ground-shaking as I am right now...
Or at least, so that I'll know better right away how to handle my next big earthquake.
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