Once again...

Once again, I find myself missing him... Once again, I remember it's all my fault... Once again, I know I can never go back...
And once again, I realize even if I hadn't made the mistake I did, if we had never gone the ways we did, if we had stayed best friends... the outcome would still be exactly the same.
It's funny how we always find some one to blame for everything that goes wrong. How we can't just except the way things are, and move on. We have to dwell on the past, hating the mistake that supposedly "caused it all to go to hell"- whether that mistake is ourselves or some one else's fault.
Take my case, for example. For over a year now, day after day, never ceasing, not even in my sleep, to think about how badly I messed up. Regretting everything I said to him, everything I thought, my actions.
Yet time and time again I'm reminded that it isn't my fault. That whole show was simply on the side-lines. A cover-up for the real crime... It's even in my journal, during the time I hate thinking about- I obviously didn't feel the way I remember feeling. I cared about him, I wanted nothing more than to be there for him when he needed me. But I never loved him... not until I lost him.
And logic tells me that, even if I hadn't pretended to love him, I still would have lost him. Would I feel the way I do now if I had never made that mistake? Only God knows...
But maybe I wouldn't have to blame myself with every breath I take.

I wonder if he realizes it isn't my fault... if he ever forgave me... I know I sure haven't.