I've always been... different. I could determine certain things about people without ever having to speak a word to them. Call it a "sixth sense", if you will. I can just feel it. When I look at them across the street, when I'm standing next the them in line at the grocery store, and the strongest, heaviest, most burdening of them all- when I look into their eyes...
I think I've learned fairly well by now how to shut it out, block it. But there are certain times when I just don't even try. I just let myself tune in to the emotions of another person, feel what they feel, not quite knowing what they know, but experiencing what they're experiencing at that moment in time.
One night, when I was checking out at Ross, the cashier was an elderly lady, probably in her late 60s or early 70s. For some reason, I really don't know why, I let my wall down for the first time in quite a while. I started thinking, but it was, well, weird... It was like I was probing with my thoughts to find one that aligned with what she was thinking, and when I felt like our thoughts matched, I was able to feel the flood of pain and loneliness she was experiencing. Suddenly I could see it in the way she folded the clothes, the way she counted my change, her posture, her gaze... All I wanted was to, in some way, reach out to her, take that pain away from her, let her know that some one out there DOES care about her, DOES want her alive, ENJOYS her presence. But I didn't quite know how... So, when she was finished and handed me the bag, I mustered up the most sincere smile I could, the most sincere "have a great night" I could. I'm not sure how much it affects her now, but I could see the hesitant, yet very apparent(to me, at least) change in her eyes, from lonely and descouraged to slightly happy and warm... So I hope I helped in some way, at least, I just wish I would have done something more... And I knew even then that I could have done so much more...
Why am I so afraid of people? Even those who are hurt?
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